The Blessing of Solitude: Part II
I ended up moving into corporate apartment that’s only four blocks from work. By now, everything is unpacked and put away. Clothes are hung up, computer is setup, and I’ve re-familiarized myself with the metro system. While I’ve visited this city at least a dozen times over the years while on business trips, this will be my first experience living here.
Unlike my trip to Germany, I feel much less anxious here in DC. First, everyone speaks English, so it’s much easier to get around and a whole lot more to get involved with. Second, while my apartment is around 800 square feet, that’s three times bigger than the one in Wiesbaden. Third, as much as I miss my family, they’re only going to be one time-zone away. We talk frequently over the computer where we can see face-to-face. There’s also the thought that I can be home quickly if I needed to be.
Of course, what I gain in comfort will make the real goal of solitude all the more illusive. I’ll need to make seeking the Lord an intentional priority while I’m here.
This evening I wanted to share the second (and final) part of my journal I wrote while in Germany back in 2018. Reading through it, I’m reminded of frustrations, self-awareness, freedom, and revelation. By the end I was wore out. But I also felt like the Lord had gained ground in me. I got to know Him in a way that I wouldn’t have otherwise.
Thinking about this short series, some might get the false impression that I enjoy being away from family. The truth is, it’s always been very painful to be away from them. I love my wife and kids dearly and I enjoy every moment I can with them. I was very apprehensive about this trip. I think because I realize my time being absent today is a more significant proportion of what little time they’ll be in the house before they leave our home to start their own lives. (I’ve already decided that I’m not going to do well as an “empty nester”.)
Yet solitude has its place in spiritual formation.
Even today, the words you’re about to read continue to challenge me. My season alone in Germany was a time of growth. While here in Washington, I again hope to be brought to the place of knowing the Lord in a way that only this kind of isolation can bring.
May 31, 2018
The last couple of days have left me less desirous of God. Maybe it’s because I’m getting used to my surroundings or that I’m engaging in other thought-consuming activities. I don’t know. My prayer is that I don’t slip further into spiritual apathy.
Dear Jesus, be near to me. Make me aware of your presence and embolden me with the vitality that comes with your impartation. Reveal yourself in a new way to me. Keep me close.
Funny thing happened at work today. I had asked Ed about his family and upbringing on the way to Landstuhl earlier in the week. Today, in response, he brought a book of photographs of some things that made up his life. His wife and kids. A picture when he was much younger and had long hair (I told him he looked like Jackie Chan) and a picture of some of his racing vehicles–some sort of sports car and a Ducati motorcycle. I loved seeing that stuff. Seems like Ed and I have connected. I really appreciated that he took the time to show me and thought about it enough to remember to bring the book to work.
I pray that our relationship would grow.
June 3, 2018
I read most of Andrew Murray’s The Deeper Christian Life this weekend–well, all but the last chapter, but I think he’s made his point. Some incredibly good things have come out of this as well as some terrifying things. As far as the good things go, I think I finally feel like I have all the information (or at least the whole framework in view) to begin the journey of living by Jesus’ indwelling life.
It’s been about five years since I first became aware of the idea that there was something more than just a “Jesus-like veneer” to the life of the believer. But the last five years have been challenging. I’ve made progress only to fall behind back to where I was before. Some of it had to do with fears related to not knowing all the information. There was also a deeper concern that I would gain insight only to find out later that I really wasn’t ‘doing it right’. This had stymied me in ways that likely stunted my spiritual growth. Another issue was that I was easily knocked off the horse and feared getting back on. Satan had me convinced that my attempts were really just a sham. He told me that, when the stress of ‘real life’ appears (frustrations with my wife’s struggles, frustrations with the behavior of my kids, or some desire to excel in a job that neither encouraged it or appreciated it) I would be unable to maintain my focus on Jesus and walk in the steps of His Spirit.
While “real life” can certainly be a distraction to following the Lord, I think there’s a part of me that actually fears knowing the Lord. I’m pretty certain that it was the Deceiver that planted the seed that, if I were to know Jesus’ thoughts and desires about me and to allow Him to truly rule over me as Lord, I might be asked to do something that I feared I would be unable to do. If that happened, I would fall into a cyclical pit of despair, my faith would be ruined, and that I would never be be able to reconcile it.
This morning I got up and, after reading a chapter in Luke, I talked to the Lord about the concern. Andrew Murray’s words are unequivocal. I will follow Jesus no matter what. If I had to choose between the Lord and my family, I must choose the Lord–even if it means not having a ‘tidy, efficient life’. But rather than responding with an emphatic ‘yes, Lord–I am all yours!’, it was more of an expression for a desire for this kind of life and a note that I was under no false belief that I would never fail. But while trying, I would trust in His grace and forgiveness when it did happen and to give me another opportunity to make it right (and another, and another) until He was pleased with my response. That’s about the best I can do right now.
I took a walk this evening for a couple of hours that led me downtown. I’ve really grown to enjoy the immediate area that I live in. It’s a nice, close community with lots of areas for kids to play and places to walk. I can’t get over how tidy, clean, efficient, and beautiful it is here. I love the older architecture next to newer, modern buildings. Everything is just so convenient. I’m really going to miss this place. This apartment. This time alone with God.
I decided to listen to Parts 2 and 3 of Frank Viola’s “Living by the Indwelling Life of Christ”. The walk seemed to emphasize his points. I know I’ve listened to these many times before, but it seems like I was picking up on things that I had never heard before. Viola and Murray seem to be jiving in their messages. I’m amazed at how simple and profound the idea of living by Jesus really is. If it could be broken down into technique, I would have almost got it right from the beginning. But it’s not a technique, but rather an “active, conscious reliance” on the Lord. He spoke of ‘spiritual instincts’ that we will slowly grow and develop over time. He talked about the church as being a “group of people who are learning to live by the indwelling life of Christ”. He also spoke about the necessity of death (i.e. to choose the path of Christ rather than our natural inclination toward selfishness).
After I was done listening, I think I decided that I really want to take this seriously and grow (though I know full well that there’s a very good chance that I would be alone in this journey). But unlike last time, where fear, distraction, and an uncertainty of God’s true identity kept me from pressing forward with on this journey, God grant me NOW the grace to get up on the horse after having failed and not lose sight of the goal of being formed into His image and likeness.
Near the end of the walk it was impressed upon me to send Roland an email, apologizing for what I did last year and asking his forgiveness. I had heard this impression before, and though I feel that I had been in the right since the beginning. It had become a stumbling block and my Lord is asking me to deal with it. He’s asking me to die. Well, this may be my first act of obedience, but my mind is settled to do it. And to do it today.
June 7, 2018
Today was a difficult day at work. Not that the work was difficult, but rather I was once again despairing over what seems like the pointlessness and meaninglessness of the work to which I’m engaged. This occurs regularly in government work. I often question whether the work that I do matters at all. Of course it matters in the sense that something won’t get done–a report, a status, a legal contract,… something. But what I’m questioning is whether that ‘something’ really matters to the public for which I work, let alone in a grander scheme.
I’m an INFJ personality type. God made me that way. I had very little to do with it. If you know INFJ’s they’re driven by grand purposes and a need for mission. In my professional life I’ve been given very little to satisfy this need. And what I have been given, I’ve gone to great lengths in my idealistic mind to make it seem important. I think it would be satisfactory to feel like I was contributing to something worthwhile. But, truth is, it likely doesn’t matter and I often feel like I’m not worth the tax revenue that I absorb. These kinds of thoughts are common to me and today was no exception. Even worse is that I fear becoming so lazy that I might be indignant toward real work when it finally comes.
I know I am of infinite worth to Him who ascribes true worth. I rest in that and recognize that no man’s effort outside of God’s Kingdom will last forever. Jesus, help this truth to lodge itself deep into my spirit. And if there is something that is of greater lasting value than what I am currently engaged, then show it to me and confirm that is to be Your direction for me. I’m too old to care about doing things that don’t matter anymore. Otherwise, keep me where I’m at and unveil your Kingdom where I’m at (and my place in it).
Amen.
July 14, 2018 (just before returning home)
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Some of it was out of depression and struggle. Some of it was spending time with Jennifer when she visited me. However, I feel like there have been some things that have truly been brought to light over the last several weeks.
I’ve learned is that it’s easy to be a Christian when you’re alone. No responsibilities, complete freedom, simple lifestyle. I’ve felt this way during shorter trips when it was just “me n’ Jesus”. I would always think, ”I just want to have this keep going long after I’m reunited with the family!” But when I am reunited all hell breaks loose. Back to the concerns, the business of life, the list of things I never get to. And Jesus is nearly forgotten in the process. This time around, I’m taking off the rosy-colored glasses. Life will be hard and I will still need to make time for Christ and his Community. (Either that or make time for everything but those things.)
For years I’ve been in a cycle. It would start with a member of my family acting immaturely. Rather than aligning with my Lord that I need to respond in patience with them and give them unconditional love, I would too often regress, causing the situation to spiral.
As I draw closer to returning home, I’m preparing for these tests on two fronts:
- First, I recognize that family is an investment of time. I will simply not have the free time that I have had in the past 60 days. This will require an adjustment to my lifestyle and I’m going to be tempted to be frustrated with the lack of time. Knowing this up front will enhance my success!
- Second, interaction with family can be stressful. Though I think I’m making in-roads with my easily frustrated flesh, I’m inclined to believe my first infraction to be a “defeat” and go back to a lifestyle of defending my thoughts. Jesus help me with this. I think He will.
All this said, here’s the bottom line: I must be closer to Christ than my own wife and family.
That’s the key. That’s the sizzle. That’s the thing that I’ve learned through this experience that’s never clicked with me before. Christ must be my closest love and truest friend. Only by putting Him first will I be the best father and husband I can be.
Reading back on these journal entries, I’m reminded it’s one thing to know something in the mind, quite another to have the same truth wrought in your spirit.
The former is academic. The latter comes only through searching, trail, and the response of faith.
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.
Matthew 10:39 (NLT)
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Matthew 6:33 (NLT)