Spiritually Mentoring Our Children

You’re probably aware of young men and women leaving Christianity. The reasons vary slightly from person to person. Some see an incongruity between their beliefs and what they “know” to be good and right. Others have simply written off the idea of the “spiritual” as a fabrication. Whatever the reason, I suspect that this decision occurs at the point where a person’s faith makes the inevitable transition from being the beliefs they were raised with to the beliefs that they must one day own.

At some point, we all have to test what we believe against the backdrop of the reality we experience. For many, the contrast is too stark. When what a person believes can’t be reconciled with their experiences, something will go.

I tend to think the choice of staying with or leaving the faith often boils down to how they were spiritually mentored growing up.

First, let me emphasize that I’m not an “it’s all the parent’s fault” kind of person. There so many factors that go into what our kids ultimately become. But some might recognize that they’ve made mistakes with their kids in their child-rearing years. Distractions, being unprepared, and misaligned priorities all take their toll. We’ve all made mistakes. I certainly have a list of things I would do over again. Know that the Lord loves you deeply and unconditionally, no matter where you think you might have failed. And whether they’re five or 50, as long as you’re both alive you can still have substantive, formative conversations with your kids.

But at the same time, I’d be remiss not to speak to those still raising their children. To these I want to emphasize how important it is to raise your kids in relational knowledge of the Lord. This task goes beyond getting people into the church pew on Sunday morning or repeating a one-time prayer. It goes beyond what the other Christian family is doing with their kids. What you do (or avoid doing) today could affect your family for generations.

What We’re Up Against

Make no mistake, culture has set itself between your children and the Lord. It’s hard enough to work against the parts of culture that we don’t accept. Even harder is to work against the parts we do accept.

Americans are very busy people. Too busy. Even when we’re not busy running around doing things we’re told are important for our life, success, and happiness, we’re distracted. Distracted by technology, distracted by entertainment, and distracted by what the media is telling us we should be outraged about at any given moment.

It isn’t that Christ isn’t available and near. It’s that we’re so busy chasing life and being distracted that we leave no time to engage the Lord who holds our purpose. When we as parents tacitly nod to culture’s priorities, we unwittingly contribute to the problem.

But that’s what we take the kids to church for, right?

We really need to consider the inherent limitations of the local church to disciple our kids.

First, the worst assumption we can make is that our kids will learn Christ by merely exposing them to the church’s programs and content for a couple hours each week. Programs and occasional interaction provide some benefit, but it’s not really enough. What’s really needed to allow the deep, transformative work of Christ is steady, continuous engagement with the Lord throughout the week. Church programs cannot provide oversight of this kind of mentoring. To be done well, it’s got to come from people who have daily contact with the disciple.

Second, because numerical growth and retention in churches are thought to be tied to keeping things easy, simple, and relatable, many churches lack spiritual depth. In fact, members of such churches may have been in that environment so long that few will even recognize there are deeper places to go. Of course, the church will assign homework to do when you’re not at church. But beyond the micro-disciplines of prayer and bible study, practical instruction on the deeper challenge of pursuing Christ is hard to find at church.

Mom? Dad? Let me be abundantly clear…

The biggest part of spiritually mentoring your children rests on you.

While it can be partially shared, it can’t be outsourced. Discipleship is done in community and there’s nothing closer to true community than the home.

But take heart… You were made for this job! In this post, I want to convey some broad ideas about what it means to disciple our kids–to train them up in a way that they will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).

It starts with changing the paradigm of what it really means to train a disciple of Jesus Christ.

Teaching the Relationship

Several years ago, our family went on a hike together along a beautiful wooded trail. My wife and I walked next to each other while the kids would explore ahead (or lag behind if they caught something particularly interesting). I remember Sarah (our middle daughter who was maybe nine years old at the time) running between my wife and I from behind. When she caught up, she grabbed my wife’s hand to her left and my hand to her right. For a while, we walked together, all three of us, hand-in-hand.

After a few minutes of the three of us walking together, I distinctly remember Sarah doing something I’d never forget. As she began to pull away to be with her brother and sisters, she took my hand and my wife’s hand and clasped them together before running ahead. I thought to myself, “This is what it means to make disciples of Jesus.”

When we’re in relationship with Jesus, it’s as if we’re walking together holding hands. Of course, we also have relationships with others with whom we also walk. To make a disciple is simply to guide their hand into the hand of the One whom we also walk with. The best way to make spiritually mature disciples isn’t by dispensing biblical facts, self-help techniques, or teaching them apologetic arguments to win over converts. Rather, our goal is to simply introduce them to the Someone we already know. Of course, introducing someone to a life-giving Spirit is unconventional. But it’s really not that different. To make disciples is to simply teach them how to engage in a relationship with their unseen Lord.

Most of what we call discipleship today focuses on teaching biblical information and then encouraging believers to “apply it”. But application is always tied to context. Application also always assumes our dependence on Christ to supply our ability. Unless we’re careful, obedience to scripture can lead to a form of legalism whereby we make the Bible a book of laws and rules. (I spoke a lot about this here.)

As an example, I remember teaching Vacation Bible School several years ago. The “theme” of the week was the “Fruit of the Spirit” (Gal 5:22-23). Each evening we would learn about peace, patience, kindness, or one of the other things the Spirit can offer the believer. But I noticed that the teaching focused on how important it was to be patient and how we should always be kind to others. It seemed the creators of the curriculum completely missed the point: These were the gifts of the Spirit (not the child)! Instead of learning to engage the Spirit so that this fruit would manifest itself in our lives, we were merely emphasizing a need for self-help behavioral modification.

The real problem with modern discipleship is that it tends to sideline the divine life of Jesus from the process. Remember, the Word of God (Jesus Christ) is living and active (Heb. 4:12). Remember also that apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5). Our primary job as disciple-makers is not to rely solely on exposure to programs and scriptural data. Instead, our goal is to teach the new disciple how to engage in a relationship with the one true Disciplemaker so that they can come to know Him experientially. We may plant and water, but it’s the Lord that will make our kids grow.

When a believer has learned to engage Christ in an authentic relationship, that believer is much less likely to fall away from the Lord. Things like biblical literacy and apologetics are good tools. But there is real danger for those who know a lot about Christ but fail to know Him personally (Matt 7:23). If you can use logic and reasoning to “argue” someone into believing in the Lord, another can use them “argue” them out of believing in Him. Authentic relationships, once established, are much harder to undo.

For example, no one can convince me that my wife is a habitual liar or inhumane. No one can convince me that she’s merely an imaginary friend. Why?

Because I know her deeply. We have a relationship. I talk to her and listen to her every day.

In the same way, as we come to know the Lord, we’ll no longer be deceived by the clever arguments coming from those who neither know Him nor understand Him. And while our knowledge of the Lord will never be complete, we can still know Him enough to trust Him. And the more we trust Him, the more we’ll know Him. Better yet, others will be attracted to the Christ they see in our kids, by their word, deed, and love of others. This is true discipleship.

I should also mention that a lot of what we call discipleship today emphasizes the idea of “leadership”. Ministries are desperate to raise up leaders to “lead the flock” to keep the church strong and healthy. But I would say the Kingdom doesn’t need leaders (at least not in the traditional sense). Instead, what we really need are more people who are willing to defer to Christ and follow Him as their leader. The difference is huge.

So how do we go about teaching this relationship to our kids? Where do we start?

Your Occupation

Let’s start with you, the parent. What’s your occupation?

I’m not talking about what you do to make a living. Rather, what are you occupied with?

Looking back at our child-rearing years, I can tell you that the single most important factor in raising kids who love and pursue the Lord is for them to have parents who love and pursue the Lord. For those who have kids, you’ll recognize that they’re incredible collectors of other people’s priorities. They look very closely toward the parents in determining what’s important and what isn’t.

I’m not saying that you need to be a “religious fanatic” to have Godly kids. It’s not a matter of being occupied with church activities, being consumed with reading scripture or theology in front of your kids, or being a “perfect Christian”. What I’m talking about is whether your children can identify Jesus Christ as the source of your energy, empowerment, and direction. Are you close to the Lord? Does He get first place? Is He your everything? Does He represent your core in word and in deed? Can your children tell?

When we make Christ our occupation, it will naturally affect our outlook, how we treat others, and how we conduct ourselves around others (regardless of how the day is going). He changes us, molds us, and shapes us. This is something that grows when we pursue Christ above the common distractions of life.

Conversely, if we’re occupied with things above Christ, our kids will pick up on that as well. They will make those priorities their own. In the West, these things most often include sports, entertainment, academics, career, politics, and the accumulation of nice things. I once heard that a good way to tell what someone is occupied with is to look at their Facebook page. Whatever is discussed more than anything else is their occupation. I don’t know how accurate this is, but it would seem to ring true for a lot of things. So if mom and dad are simply “going through the motions” of being a Christian, they’re going to see through that easy. Kids aren’t stupid. They sense devotion and conviction. They also sense indifference and lip-service. If we only ever talk about basketball but never about the Lord, what would you expect the kids to be more excited about?

You can’t teach the relationship unless you have the relationship. Unless you do, I would start there.

There’s no time like the present to take the first steps of pursuing and coming to know our incredible Lord. A great place to start is to read through the series of posts I wrote called Pursuing the King. I wrote this series for people just like you. You can always contact me here if you have questions.

Applying Focus and Structure

Spiritual imitation is a powerful way for your kids to begin to engage the Lord in a relationship. But this relationship is driven by key truths that aren’t easily captured through imitation alone. Our kids need to be instructed and equipped in these truths to provide the necessary context for spiritual growth.

When I was growing up, I had a difficult time keeping my theological thoughts in order. What was most important? Where should I focus? What does the big picture look like? Why does this particular belief matter? Looking back, I attribute a lot of this to the way the church conveyed information. Most of the sermon and Sunday school lessons seemed to be on random topics that didn’t seem to connect with one another from week to week. “Sermon series” weren’t much better. And “cover-to-cover” Bible teaching from the pulpit wasn’t helpful because the Bible isn’t naturally organized in a way that facilitates structured understanding. I suspect things were done this way to keep things interesting. But it seemed to make things more complicated. Teaching disciples in a disorganized manner can betray the simplicity and order of Christianity. It might place undue emphasis on a spiritually insignificant topic. It can also contribute to the fallacy of insufficient information.

It’s important to give a disciple structure, order, and weight to the “big ideas” of their faith. Some have found catechisms helpful. But to me, they’ve always seemed a little too dry, impersonal, and academic.

After years of study, searching, and thinking, I came up with the content contained in the First Things series. I hoped it would help people approach the foundational concepts of Christianity in a focused, structured way that allowed them to grow, not by adding on, but by driving deeper into each concept.

I might suggest using this series to provide structure and focus while instructing your kids using age-appropriate words and ideas. The beauty of the content is that it spans the beliefs of most Christian denominations and hits everything that’s truly important. First Things are not to be covered once before moving on to the “next thing”. Rather, these core concepts should be intentionally revisited as your children grow using a “spiral approach” of going deeper with each pass. By the time your child launches, they will be thoroughly equipped in the things that matter the most while giving structure on which to hang adjoining concepts.

Residency In Christ

Aside from the obvious difference in future earnings potential, discipleship is a lot like medical school.

The educational path by which a first-year medical student will one day become a physician is a very old and institutionalized process. After being accepted, the student will spend the first four years of medical school in a classroom setting, engaging the coursework to provide a broad, theoretical understanding of the things that they’ll one day apply to their patients. But after medical school, students will enter what’s known as “residency”. Here, classroom learning is slowly replaced with supervised, hands-on training. They’ll be assigned to work as part of a patient-care team under the supervision of attending physicians, and exposure to different healthcare settings. This process may take several years before they can practice independently.

In the same way, discipleship begins with taking in information and understanding the fundamental ideas of Christianity in a structured way so that the disciple will have a foundation of understanding to build from. But Christianity isn’t just a thinking religion, it’s a doing religion. The absorption of a limited set of concepts must eventually be displaced by coming to know Jesus Christ in practical, experiential ways through supervised experiences, team practice, and corporate engagement with the Lord.

This was the practice of Jesus with his disciples. It was the practice that Paul had with Timothy. It should be the practice that you should have with your children. For families, this engagement can happen in a thousand small but intentional ways:

Remind them of what commitment means.
Gather together as a family to pray, sing, encourage, and find Christ in scripture.
Emphasize to them their identity as a vessel of the Holy.
Walk with them in the reality of Christ.
Encourage one another in the truth.
Pray with them by expressing your love of God, confessing our wrongs, thanking Him for His blessing, and interceding for others.
Be expectant of the Lord’s voice.
Remind one another of His continuous presence.
Give them practical guidance in turning to the Lord.
Memorize short, encouraging passages of scripture together that speak to truth.
Seek the fellowship of like minded believers.
Behold the Lord’s glory and grace together.
Learn His contentment and His sufficiency.
Remind one another of the truth.
Talk regularly about our future hope.
Practice loving others sacrificially.
Discuss what it means to walk in the footsteps of Christ.
Seek to know others and to know their story.
Make the truth of Christ real through your thoughts and actions.
Let your light shine.
Be courageous to try new things.
Give your children confidence to be disconnected with their immediate circumstances so as to please their Audience of One.
Seek His direction regarding how your family can help contribute to His making all things new.

The transition from institution-centered discipleship to family-centered discipleship is going to feel awkward. For some, little things like telling your kids that the Lord loves them is going to be weird at first. But when Christ is in you, when you’re following Him closely, and you freely accept his limitless grace, you’ve got all you need. The key is to be intentional.

Encouraging Them to Seek Out Others

As your kids get older, encourage them to find others who are also like-minded about the Lord.

It may be hard to believe, but one day your kids will leave the house and move away. Whether you like it or not, your job as a parent will be done. You hope that the time you spent sowing the seeds of God’s Kingdom into their hearts will result in spiritual fruit and a solid relationship with their King. You don’t want them to be a spiritual statistic.

As our kids grew into their teens and began the transition to becoming independent adults, I impressed on them the need to find like-minded friends who take the Lord seriously. I didn’t care about what these people believed about denominational non-essentials or that they lived perfect lives. I didn’t even care that they attended the same gatherings. I merely wanted them to find others that put Christ first in their lives and have made it a priority to pursue Him. Mutual encouragement in the Lord is critical. Loving one another is a command that requires others who are close. An ember by itself will easily be extinguished. But with one or two others, it’s much less likely to go out. In fact, it may spread.

But we’re learning that such people at those ages are incredibly rare. Church youth groups can be bastions of fun, but with little spiritual depth. Campus ministries can be a mixed bag. Yet we know that the right people are out there. It takes discernment to sift through the shallows to find the diamond in the rough. I pray that wherever such people are, the Lord will nudge them toward one another.

Make this your prayer as well.

I hope this post has inspired you to consider the intrepid task of discipling your children in practical, intentional ways. It’s an important job that doesn‘t happen on its own. Of course, there’s a whole lot more to raising kids than strictly mentoring their spiritual development. But it’s important to put those other pursuits under the Lord’s advisement. It’s also important to have the right perspective.

A thousand years from now, it won’t matter whether your kids were “contributing members of society”. It won’t matter whether they were straight-A students or whether they had successful careers. It won’t matter how much money they made or whether they lived in a fancy house in the upper-class part of town. It won’t matter whether they excelled in sports or made the family proud by being distinguished in their field.

In a thousand years, the only thing that will matter is whether they walked closely with their King.

What you teach your kids today about living life as a citizen of the Kingdom will certainly outlive you. It will positively affect the world for generations. It will outlive this age and reach forever into the age to come.

First Things