Signposts to the Mystery

When someone mentions marriage, what you think of depends a lot on your experiences being either near one or in one.

For some, marriage carries a sense of joy, acceptance, deep companionship, and unconditional love. It’s a place of stability, comfort, and belonging for children raised in it. Others might view their marriage as “functional”. They feel like what was once strong is now diminished, maybe with feelings of ambivalence and indifference. Others might feel a lack of trust, commitment, or understanding in their marriage. Arguments may be frequent. Some might involve unfaithfulness or even abuse.

Given so much negative baggage the marriage carries, culture has come to view it as an outdated and unrealistic tradition. But I’m learning that marriage has a timeless narrative that we desperately need to reclaim. It’s in this narrative that the Lord gets to tell His story. It also allows humanity to behold His glory in it.

A Brief (and Sad) History of Marriage

Orthodox Christians agree that marriage was originally God’s idea. It was designed exclusively as a formal commitment between one man and one woman for life. God first pronounced this arrangement on Adam and Eve in the Garden (Genesis 2:23-24). We recognize that Eve was created to compliment Adam–to be His helper. Thus, marriage was originally designed to be a complementary union of two as “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24; Matt. 19:6; Eph. 5:31). Marriage also resolves man’s loneliness (Genesis 2:18) and is the means and environment by which the Lord intended to bring other human beings into the world (Genesis 1:28).

Back then it was a good thing. But while Genesis reveals the form and benefits of marriage, I think it would be premature to assume this was its ultimate purpose.

Like everything else God created, this human relationship was contaminated by sin and selfishness. After the Fall it served a mostly utilitarian purpose.

For the first several thousand millennia, marriage was mostly used as a means of expanding tribal influence, strategic advantage, and security between factions. Arranging a marriage between a chief’s daughter and a neighboring chief’s son ensured stability between the tribes. This type of thing continued in mainstream society through the 17th century.

Up until the 19th century, the laws and traditions related to inheritance also affected marriage. Jane Austin, in her novels Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion, describes a time when marriage wasn’t always about falling in love. She describes the struggle of young women who had to engage in the necessary social calculus to ensure they wouldn’t become destitute. The only way out was to marry a husband of good economic standing. Back then marriage was a means of avoiding poverty.

The effect of the government taking over the rite of marriage actually began during the Reformation in the 16th century. By the 12th century, the Roman Catholics began viewing marriage as a sacrament to be administered by a priest within the holy premises of the cathedral. In their attempt to free the institution of marriage from the Catholics, the Protestants advocated for the government authorities to administer. Ultimately, this resulted in laws whereby marriage would eventually be regulated by the state.

As governments began to break ties with religion, marriage would be stripped of its sacrosanctity. It would become merely a civil rite–a means of retaining tradition and social stability. Losing connection from its divine origin, the government would become free to distort and redefine the original intent of marriage in accordance with the fickle demands of society.

Today, marriage is seen as little more than a legal contract between two people. It requires no commitment. It’s easy to enter into and easy to dissolve. Many will choose marriage over cohabitation simply for financial security reasons. With the rates of divorce so high, people see prenuptial agreements as a safety net. Some marry out of fear related to the expectations of the parents and society. If the state wants to see healthy marriages, it’s only because marriage produces a healthy and stable society that’s easier to manage. Cohabitation and long-term dating are seen as lower risk, low-commitment, low-expectation alternatives to marriage.

While the world is always hopeful for “true love”, mutually selfless love is incredibly rare.

This is where we are.

Culture’s Subtle Deception

Culture has controlled the marriage narrative for so long that we we view a marriage as successful if it meets the cultural expectation. From what I can see, culture says your marriage is successful if you remain married and you don’t cheat on your spouse. But is this accurate? Is this all of what God wants out of our lives together? Given what we know of the relationship between Christ and His True Bride, I’m pretty sure the answer is no.

In the West, culture has lowered expectations of marriage on two fronts. The first is our expectations heading into marriage. For example, my wife and I were married back in 1996. We had just finished college and I had secured a good job. We were both serious believers and loved the Lord. This said, the main reasons I wanted to marry my wife included:

I was “in love” and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. (However, I had an incredibly vague idea of what authentic, selfless love truly meant at the time. I just figured that commitment was something I would have to figure out along the way.)
We had been dating for over five years. Since I had a steady job, I figured it was time to get married.
Marriage was what I thought our families and society expected of me to be successful.
I would have otherwise been lonely.
The vapid illusion of endless sex after marriage.

Now, these reasons may appear perfectly reasonable. But looking back, my motivations for marriage at the time were mostly about me and what I could get out of the relationship. Of course these thoughts weren’t nefarious. It’s just that my perspective of entering marriage were mostly borrowed from culture. To be fair, no one really knows what they’re getting into when they commit to marriage. But I think having a proper perspective going in will save us from a lot of trouble later. For the record, I deeply love my wife now more than ever (though I’m only now, after 25 years of marriage, discovering what selfless love truly means).

The second front that culture has lowered expectations for marriage is growth. Culture has come to accept the idea that love and commitment between husband and wife will naturally degrade over time. The world says this is natural. In fact, many say it’s unrealistic to think that two people won’t fall away to some degree. Many marriages are neither thriving nor heading toward divorce. Rather, they’re languishing in indifference. There is no life in them. So, how does this happen?

Some problems affect us immediately. One act of infidelity (whether confessed or discovered) can torpedo a marriage in short order. But I think in most cases, marriages slowly sink from a thousand slow leaks that accumulate over the years. In my own marriage, there were times when I habitually did the following without remorse:

I have taken my wife for granted.
I have been short with her.
I have viewed her as an encumbrance.
I have been unloving and unforgiving.
I have remembered her faults.

Maybe we can all confess these sins about our marriage. Culture will tell you such thoughts are normal. But left untreated they will create bigger problems. When couples have marital problems the natural tendency is to avoid the pain involved in working through them. When we can’t move forward to confront our problems the default is to become relationally dead.

I don’t discount the need for good marriage counselors to help resolve most relational problems. But in the absence of God’s narrative, the default setting will always be the cultural standard. Like with every other spiritual struggle, in the tension between the world and the Lord we always listen to the louder voice.

To counter these two cultural expectations, we desperately need to recover God’s timeless purpose for marriage. We need to lay hold of His ancient narrative.

But what is it? Where do we begin to recover it?

Understanding Marriage Beyond Proof-Texts

Scripture is always a good place to start.

The typical “go to” passages on marriage are found in 1 Corinthians 7 and Ephesians 5:22-33. But we really need to be careful here. When Paul penned these passages, he was addressing specific questions and providing specific guidance to the churches these letters were addressed to. While they contain timeless truth, they were not seminal treatments on the topic of marriage nor were his directions intended for the ears of every future believer.

I’ve always been perplexed at the emphasis we place on certain verses in these passages and the need to turn them into rules and precepts. I’m equally perplexed at the verses in the same passages we ignore.

Some quote Ephesians 5:22 as a means of keeping their wives in line. If you sense misalignment in your marriage, I’d recommend first taking a long hard look at whether the husband is fulfilling Ephesians 5:25. If your wife’s behavior is requiring you to “proof-text” God’s expectations to her, it could be a sign that your own Christ-likeness is lacking. If you are the husband, you have a responsibility to love your wife as Christ loved the church. That means to love your wife sacrificially and with grace. (And that means whether or not she immediately returns your love.) It means to put her above all else on this earth. This includes your job, your pastimes, hobbies, causes (no matter how noble), and even children. But I suspect when you take your responsibility seriously, she will respond to the husband as the church responds to Christ’s love.

Some youth pastors cite 1 Cor. 7:2 as a reason to push their dating students to get married before they’re mature enough to handle marriage. Why? Could it be that they view the temptation to fornicate as something beyond Jesus’ ability to curb in the life of your students? If so, maybe focus less on 1 Cor. 7:2 and consider what’s being said in 1 Cor. 7:7, Phil. 4:13, and 1 Timothy 5:2. I personally believe Paul’s advice was aimed at a few within the Corinthian church that had nemphomaniacal-level lebidos (and not every person who’s dealing with hormones). Every teen deals with hormones. It’s a part of growing up. Instead of pushing them toward marriage, continually remind them to pursue Christ as their first love. In time, as that relationship matures, His strength to deal with temptation will become their strength (even in a hyper-sexualized culture such as ours).

Lastly, to the pastor that views the singles in their church as “the ones who haven’t gotten married yet” (1 Cor. 7:2): To those who feel that marriage is the calling of every man and woman–please stop. Take a very close look at 1 Cor. 7:7-8, 17, and 32-24. While some singles may pursue relationships, others may have made the decision not to. I have a friend in their 30’s who continues to question their decision to remain single because of something said to him over two decades ago. Don’t project your weaknesses on the stronger among us. In Christ they are free to make their own decision about marriage and have a right to remain confident in them.

The Profound Mystery

Taken as a whole, Ephesians 5:22-31 makes the point that in every marriage, the husband represents Christ and the wife represents the church. In verse 32 Paul refers to this illustration as a profound mystery. Paul never really elaborates on the purpose of marriage in this mystery. We’re left to wonder about the implications. Many only view marriage through the lens of roles and responsibilities as described in these passages. But that would only be a surface-level interpretation. Paul seems to be pointing to something much bigger–something foundational that hints at the original purpose of marriage.

By piecing together clues found throughout scripture, I think we can get close to understanding what Paul is trying to convey.

First, we know the Lord has chosen to represent Christ in symbolism that runs throughout the narrative of scripture. In the New Testament, the Eucharist (Lord’s Supper) symbolizes the spiritual reality where we consume Christ as our source (John 6:56-57). Baptism symbolizes our identification in Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection. Marriage symbolizes Christ’s union and relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:32). But beyond symbolism, scripture tells us that all creation was made through Christ (Col. 1:16). Everything we see in creation reflects Him in some way. In fact, Paul makes the point that Christ has been so clearly perceived in the things around us (the natural world as well as His sacraments) that people are without excuse for their unrighteousness (Romans 1:16). You could say that there’s something about His union with creation that forces mankind’s perception of Him.

Second, as we just read, Paul refers to marriage as a profound mystery (Eph. 5:32). Paul uses the term “mystery” throughout his letters to refer to various aspects of the Lord’s timeless revelation. But there’s only one other verse where he connects an object to the mystery. This would be the mystery that Christ literally indwells the spirit of every believer (Colossians 1:27). One could therefore speculate a profound connection between our marriage and His indwelling.

Third, the witness of every Kingdom citizen is to demonstrate in the physical what is just as real in the spiritual. The gospels spend a lot of time emphasizing that Jesus not only proclaimed the Kingdom with his mouth but also demonstrated it by his love and miracles. We also know that he sent His disciples out to proclaim and demonstrate the Kingdom (Luke 9:2; Luke 10:9). We are His disciples. By our manner of living, we manifest the Kingdom. This isn’t something we turn on and off. It isn’t something that happens only within the four walls of your church building. If we’re following Christ in the moments, it happens continually and in every aspect of our lives, including our marriages.

By looking at marriage through the confluence of these three principles, the ultimate purpose of marriage becomes clear.

The Purpose Revealed

This is a working theory. I freely admit that I could be completely wrong about this (though maybe not that far off). But here’s what I’m thinking…

Given that we manifest the Kingdom by our manner of living, given that the Lord literally indwells our marriage relationship, and given that He is found so perceptively in the things He’s made, it seems that each marriage is intended to be a living signpost. One that accurately and dynamically points the world to the eternal relationship between the King and His Church. It would seem that the ultimate purpose of marriage is to embody and demonstrate to the world the ongoing relationship between the Son and His Bride.

If this is true, marriage is not just an institution. It’s not just a means to mutual bliss. The purpose is that when they witness a couple in the union of marriage, they are (quite literally) witnessing Christ and His Church. The thing Jesus spoke about more than anything else while He was on earth was His Kingdom. Our responsibility as believers is to express this Kingdom by living out its reality in everything we do. Our lives are a signpost to the Kingdom’s reality. However, it seems that marriage was uniquely designed for this expression. So, as believers who are serious about the Kingdom, our marriage deserves a special place of focus and intentionality.

I recognize there are those whose marriages are suffering. This may not even be your fault. Regardless, please know that you’re not letting the Lord down if your relationship is less than it could be. He has overcome the world and is gracious to help us in our troubles. However, what I describe does explain why marriage is so important to Him and why He wants them to thrive: Not only for our own joy, but for the joy of the eternal union being reflected into the world for everyone to see.

Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 7:32-35 that the unmarried man or woman does not have divided interests. They can be fully devoted to the Lord. When we read this, we can falsely think that married people have a lesser role in the Kingdom. I used to believe this, but I don’t think it’s quite correct. Instead, I just think married and unmarried people express the Kingdom in different ways.

For example, there have been times of recommitment in my life where I’ve asked the Lord to do whatever He wants with me. Where should I volunteer? Who should I speak to? Where should I go? My life is Yours. After asking, I would always receive the same answer, but it’s like He didn’t understand my question. Instead of sending me on some quest, He directed me to my wife. He told me I was neglecting her. He asked me first to love her deeply and from the heart. He said for me to be quick to listen to her and slow to speak. He told me not to react to her emotions, but to stand firm in my identity in Him. He wanted me see her through His eyes. This would be my highest priority.

While this seemed perplexing at the moment, He really was directing me to Kingdom work. It’s just that I didn’t understand the intimate connection between my marriage and His Kingdom.

Now I know.

Maybe this “revelation” of marriage’s true purpose was no surprise to you. Maybe it’s something you knew all along. But for me, it was huge. It was exactly what I needed. As I learn to see my relationship through the lens of marriage’s purpose, it’s like breathing in fresh air. It’s like starting on a new and exciting path.

In a previous post, we talked about how seeing the Lord’s glory motivates and energizes us to align our wills with His. By this new awareness, I’ve come to see God’s glory in our marriage. It drives me to love Jennifer as deeply and affectionately as the Lord loves His Bride.

In this two-person production of the divine romance, I’m still learning my role. But our marriage is no longer an independent system running its course to the rhythm of culture’s lame standard. Rather, it’s center-stage on the front line of the Kingdom’s expansion.

Those who are married are signposts to the mystery. And the world is watching.

First Things