Lessons in Community
The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.
John 17:22-23 (NASB)
It’s been almost three years since I posted The Community of the King. In it, I attempted to summarize what the church is and its purpose here on earth. I explained how human tradition that has accumulated over time and how some traditions, unless we’re careful, can be an impediment to our walk and the church’s God-given mission.
About a year later, I posted The Gathering of the Saints. In it, I recount an experience my family and I had that radically shifted my view of what a church gathering looked like. Its impact was so profound that our family had decided to make a serious effort to find others who would be willing to meet this way. If you haven’t read these posts, I would invite you to do that before reading this one to provide some context.
In this post, I want to get you up to speed on this endeavor. While the names have been changed to protect others’ privacy, I wanted to share some of the mistakes we’ve made, lessons learned, and how my thinking on the matter has changed. I also want to explain why I think authentic Christian community like the kind that Jesus prayed for in John 17 is so hard to find.
Our journey started a couple of years ago when I reached out to someone who had been through Francis Chan’s Church Intensive leader’s course and had recently led a group. While talking to him on the phone, he told me that he’s no longer interested in doing anything outside the organized church. He explained that the whole experience was so frustrating that he ended up requiring professional counseling to cope with the aftermath. Understandably, he wasn’t interested in joining us (though I had wondered what would have been so traumatic about the experience to have required a mental health professional). Despite the letdown, he did connect me to a friend of his who was more open to the idea. We’ll call him Travis.
Travis and I met for coffee, and it we seemed had a lot in common in our spirituality. While he didn’t see the problems with institutional churches that I did, he was frustrated at a lot of church bureaucracy that seemed to create hindrances in the Lord’s work. He was very serious about the Lord and engaged others very fluidly, both in and outside of work. At some point, our families began meeting every other week on Friday night. I must admit that it was an enjoyable and refreshing experience. We would start with a potluck style meal, where we talked and got caught up on each other’s lives. We would then go into the living room to share scripture and what the Lord had been revealing to us in our lives. Before we left, we would partake of the bread and the cup before leaving.
At first it was awkward for everyone, but over time we got to know one another better and would look forward to every meeting. While Travis and his family continued attending a local church, our bi-weekly gatherings was all the “church” my family was getting. We didn’t want to call what we were doing “church” as we thought this would jinx the arrangement and burden it with unnecessary expectations. Instead, we were just two families meeting together for fellowship, prayer, and mutual encouragement. While we never experienced an earth-shattering revelation of the Lord, our time together was a blessing. There were specific things that were said that I still remember and hold dear.
While meeting every two weeks was all that one family could sustain, it did create some logistical challenges. If one family had to miss a week, it could be a whole month before we could see one another again. While we didn’t say it, the frequency made growing together harder than we would have liked. Regardless, what we had was good. It was authentic. It was also all we had.
After about a year of meeting this way, the question came up regarding whether we should seek other families to join our gatherings. About a year after we had started meeting, I was contacted by someone new through Facebook. (We’ll call him Robert.) He was asking if there were any home churches in the area we lived in. After talking to him on the phone and meeting his family at the restaurant, it seemed reasonable to have Robert and his family visit with us at one of our meetings “with no commitment to buy”. Unfortunately, shortly after the three families started meeting, I was given a four-month developmental assignment in Washington DC. Our three families would have to meet without me. I felt that this would be problematic, but there was nothing I could do about it. Maybe it was the Lord’s way of making sure I didn’t mess things up and allow Him to lead for a while.
With about a month left of my assignment, I got a call from my friend with the first family explaining that they thought it best to leave the group and be part of something another church was offering. I perceived the decision was related to frustrations they were experiencing while I was gone. I told him that I understood. I explained that we enjoyed our time together and that there would be no hard feelings whatever they decided. Shortly after that, the two remaining families decided that they would suspend their gatherings until I returned.
When I returned from DC, Robert’s family and ours began meeting again. To better accommodate schedules, we met on Sunday evenings, alternating between our houses and sharing a meal each time (as had been the habit all along). We learned that Robert and his family have been out of the church scene for nearly a decade. The reason was that they had been subjected to religious abuse—having been excommunicated and cut off by their extended family for questioning some central doctrines that Robert felt didn’t line up with scripture. (They had not been part of a cult, but rather an insular and hyper-legalistic mainline church denomination.) It was clear that they were deeply hurt and needed a place to heal. Also, during this time, Robert’s wife’s father (who had created the rift) had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, making the isolation particularly difficult. Rather than focusing on building community, our focus shifted to walking them through their pain and experiences. This included letting them talk through their frustrations. If we couldn’t be a place of healing, what good of a community would we be.
After several months of meeting together, another family joined us. They were friends of Robert’s family that were made curious about something that Robert’s wife had posted on Facebook about our meetings. As we came to know this new family, we understood that they also had been struggling with their own negative feelings about the church they had been attending. (Interestingly, they had both come from the same denomination).
Once again, the gatherings were cordial and enjoyable. We sang songs, talked about life’s challenges, and even spent time outside of the meeting with one another—eating together and going to sporting events. But the group wasn’t without its challenges. While we progress was intentionally slow, some in the group felt uneasy about the lack of church-like activity when coming together. We had always made it a standing rule that anyone in the group could offer a recommendation that we would do our best to accommodate. The goal was to engender a sense of group ownership and responsibility. But despite our efforts, ensuring deference and balanced speaking time among a group of 12 was becoming more and more difficult. A few would dominate the conversation, leaving others to feel that they couldn’t share. Also, odd working hours and involvement in extracurricular sports made it difficult for all the families to meet consistently. But what made it must difficult was the unresolved resentment related to previous church pain was regularly being brought up in our meetings. This would regularly derail our interaction.
We had exhibited a lot of grace early in our meetings when this topic was brought up. But after a year, the issue was making Christ difficult to see in our meetings and only fanned the flames of past hurt. Out of respect for these dear saints, I’ll spare you the details regarding our attempts at resolving the issue. But ultimately, one family decided it best for them to leave the group. After a three-week break to collect our faculties, the adults got together one last time to discuss our future. At the end of the meeting, we agreed to suspend the group indefinitely. One family had already found a new church to attend and the other (presumably) decided to return to the wilderness.
I can’t speak for the other families involved, but for us, recovery from this experience has been difficult. Sometimes we feel like we’ve wasted a year of our lives. It’s painful to think that the relationships that we thought were strong could be so easily discarded. Maybe we had unrealistic expectations. I certainly feel my share of the blame—knowing that things weren’t working out but being too fearful to rock the boat for fear of losing something that we wanted so badly.
I can honestly say that I now understand why the friend I mentioned at the beginning of this story, had he experienced something similar, required counseling.
Seeking authentic, intimate Christian community is not for sissies. It’s been a few months now, and I’m just now feeling like myself again. As a family, we’ve spent a lot of time unpacking the experience and what we can learn from it. For those who are seeking a simpler, primitive, open participatory expression of church, there are a few things that I was able to salvage out of the rubble.
1. Don’t assume people will automatically understand the goal.
Being “corporately led by Christ”, while simple in practice, can be a foreign concept even for those who have spent their entire lives in church. Even if people are on board and have a general understanding of what that means, don’t assume that they’ll pick it up quickly. Rather than focusing on doing church activities, the goal is to focus to be on Christ, allowing Him to lead the gathering. This difference requires clear articulation from the very start with regular reminders along the way.
Without this vision, people will tend to recreate the experiences of other churches. They might assume that organic church is just “doing church at home”. Even after people understand, reminders and course corrections may be necessary to avoid drift back into traditional patterns of large gatherings led by professionals. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with singing, studying, sharing, teaching, and encouraging as a group, so long everyone understands these things are the means to the end of taking in and sharing the life of Jesus Christ. I feel like this is an area that I could have done a much better job.
This video from the Simple Church Alliance is a great resource for explaining what simple/organic churches are and how they’re different than the more common church experience. You’ll note that the key differences are simplification and focus leading to spiritual formation and mission. You can find the video here.
2. Widen your aperture of what organic church might look like.
When starting something like this, it’s hard not to bring into it a set of expectations. It’s not that we necessarily have a list, but subconsciously I think we tend to envision what our groups are supposed to look like. For me simple church was going to be about being with a group of spiritually mature, middle-class believers to sharpen each other, share life, and embody the Kingdom. What the Lord is showing me is that the soil may be more fertile for this type of expression of church might better be found in the fringes of society.
We live in the center of the Bible belt. There is a church building on nearly every corner. Consumer Christianity is alive and well. With a little shopping, you can find one somewhere that perfectly meets your lifestyle and theology. And if it doesn’t work out with Church A, you can always run to Church B across the street.
But then, there are places in this city where there is no witness of Christ. There are homeless camps, business conference rooms, hospitals, convalescent homes, and neighborhoods full of people that don’t look or act or like you. There are places in the world—even in other countries that don’t have an appetite for what traditional “above-the-radar” churches offer. The principles of organic church could even be applied in a small group of an existing institutional church.
Before we try to create an organic church in our own image as merely a mutually exclusive alternative to institutional church, maybe we should first seek where the Lord is going and follow Him there.
3. Leadership is crucial.
Much of organic church literature seems to downplay human leadership from within the church. Instead, it stresses the need to arrange for an apostolic worker from outside the church who were gifted and experienced to help teach everyone to operate directly under Christ’s headship. But while apostolic workers were all the rage a couple decades ago, today it seems few are available for that kind of ministry. I know a few organic churches that used apostolic workers which no longer exist. I also know of at least two organic fellowships initiated by ‘laymen’ which appear to be running strong. While there are certainly advantages to using those called to apostolic ministry, I question their necessity. What’s important is to have someone (whether inside or outside the group) that understands the vision and has the experience and gifting to bring others under the Lord’s leading.
Simple churches often attract people who are dissatisfied or hurt by the “institutional church” and are looking for anything to replace the experience they had. However, such people can also bring their frustrations and baggage with them. Of course, simple churches can be wonderful places to share and heal. But unless Christ is made the focus of your time together, and unless His love and glory is manifested to displace such hurt, shared resentment can quickly become the focus of your gatherings. Anger and distraction are contagious. It’s a group effort to ensure everyone stays pointed in the right direction.
My mistake was that I was so focused on ensuring egalitarianism and avoiding becoming the “default leader” that I didn’t influence the group in the direction it needed to go when it was getting distracted. While I felt the Lord’s leading in this, I ignored it. Instead, I was hoping that the group would right itself. I should have been more assertive, especially when I was recognizing things were getting out of hand. While I finally got around to saying what needed to be said, it was too late.
4. Start by building critical mass.
I will not try this again unless I can find a “co-laborer” who has the same vision to help initiate and lead the group. Churches should be a plurality of leaders. Before advertising your gatherings to just anyone, I would recommend building a core of committed members that have been with the group for a while–those who understand the goal and are spiritually mature. Once you have a plurality of leaders and a committed inner circle of members, your group has achieved critical mass. The term “critical mass” comes from nuclear physics where there is sufficient interaction between fissile material as to sustain the reaction. There are a couple of advantages to this.
First, by having more than one leader, you can avoid the irrevocable law of leadership: The more human leadership is decentralized, the less people will look to one person to fill the gatherings and the more others will be willing to participate in the ministry of Christ.
Second, having an established core group of two or three families will allow uncommitted members to leave the group without creating a massive ‘hole’ that can throw the group into a high-speed wobble. Having a core group that is “in one accord” also acts as a stabilizing force that can reduce topical drift and maintain momentum toward Christ as others join.
As your group builds critical mass, it’s especially important to “vet” potential members. Unlike institutional churches which are big and centralized enough to accept anyone who walks through the door, smaller organic churches can be severely impacted by someone who might not be a good fit for organic church. Be especially on the lookout for people who are hurt and angry at the institution, self-proclaimed pastors who are looking for a “flock” to lead, and those with some pet doctrine who are looking for converts.
5. The Five Factors for a Successful Meeting
Through this experience, I’ve learned that a successful meeting is a function of the relative amounts of each of the following in the group:
- Preparation. What you share in the meeting will be the overflow of what the Lord gave you as you draw near to Him alone during the week. If our personal devotional lives are dull, it’s unlikely that the Lord will strike you with some profound spiritual revelation during the meeting. Of course, He could do that. But it’s best to come prepared with something specific to share. But hold it loosely—the Spirit has been known to change the subject.
- Focus & Dependence on the Lord. To depend on the Lord for His Life is to place him in the center of our attention. Of course, ancillary subjects are welcome so long as we can connect the dots back to the Lord. Even our hurts can be brought before the Lord in an environment of love and understanding. Off-topic conversational detours should be graciously brought back to the Lord lest it permanently derail the meeting. A group of Christians getting together to focus on worldly topics does not a church make. There’s enough time for that in other venues. Our time together is precious.
- Spiritual Maturity. By “maturity”, I’m talking about the degree to which we have been formed by drawing near to Christ through trust and obedience. The closer each of us follows the Lord, the closer the group will follow the Lord. In my experience, relatively new believers mature quickly when placed in groups with a heavy proportion of mature believers. Groups of mostly immature believers rarely ever mature.
- Participation & Deference. By deference, I’m talking about a group’s willingness to stop speaking to allow others a chance to speak. Some people are naturally shy. Others naturally talk too much. When first coming together to meet, it might be good to divide the meeting time up by the number of people present. The shy people need to be aware that they should have enough material to share for their allotment. Over-talkers need to learn to limit their contribution to the time they’re given. Over time, such “rules” can be eliminated as we work out deference in practice.
- Familiarity. The more familiar we are with one another, the more willing we will be to share the deeper things of the Lord and the more natural it will be to love one another. Becoming familiar is a slow process when the only time you interact is during the meeting. Sharing life outside of the official meeting time adds other dimensions to your relationships that will accelerate familiarity.
6. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
When I was first learning about organic churches, the books I read were very prescriptive about what constituted success. There were warnings against not using apostolic workers, warnings about the place of human leadership, and emphasis on achieving group consensus before deciding. These all seemed critically important. The advice was so emphatic that it seemed failing to follow the formula could jeopardize a successful church. These books also painted a pretty bleak picture of distraction and immaturity within the institutional church. Such things engendered paranoia in my search for community.
I knew I was done with cultural Christianity. I knew from experience that committing myself to the fellowship of an immature nominal church dulled my faith and drove my family and I toward spiritual regression. I was ready to experience ekklesia regardless of the cost. With this in mind, we left the institutional church to preserve our spiritual maturity, find space to re-think what church was, and create room in our lives to pursue the thing that the Lord desperately prayed for.
But after years of searching and failure, I’m finding that authentic Christian community that Jesus prayed for in John 17 is hard to find and even harder to create. What does get created is often short-lived. In my own experience, getting things rolling in the right direction has been frustrating. It’s taken more life than it’s given. In fact, there’s a very good chance that we’ll never experience it (at least not regularly).
While I still believe that the organic church model represents the best of what the Lord had in mind for his Body, what if it can’t be found? I’m quite sure the Lord never intended His children to live in isolation. Being in the wilderness too long can make you spiritually feral. Drinking lukewarm water has got to be better than drinking no water at all, right?
Maybe it’s just a matter of patience and time. Then again, maybe the Lord is leading us to widen our aperture and think differently about how authentic community might be manifested.